A good ending in December

I am not a finisher. Finishing is not something I do well, if at all. I have good ideas, occasionally brilliant ones, and I start them with such gusto and enthusiasm, but somewhere, about half-way through, my brain slows, the drive disappears, a new amazing thought is born and I start another soon to be doomed project.

             As a little girl, I loved colouring and can today see the colouring book of Cinderella, each page started so carefully, colours chosen thoughtfully, blending precisely, but always unfinished as I impatiently moved on, always promising myself to return to complete the picture, but never doing so. I loved reading too; 'What Katy Did', 'Black Beauty', 'Heidi', 'Little Women'. I read long after the lights had been put out, secretly hiding the torch under the mattress and hoping I wouldn't be discovered, but even then, I hated getting to the end of the story, hated the characters fading with the last page and sometimes started the book again before the ending so that I didn't have to face the loss of the story from my bedtime imaginings.
            I've lost count of the promising projects I've started that have never reached completion. I have decided what I've wanted to do, bought all the equipment, set everything out on a table and committed the necessary time, but somehow, well, they never quite made it to being finished. Half-finished baby bootees, delicate hats, a two legged giraffe and a bunny with one ear are currently lying forlorn and abandoned in the knitting basket awaiting a surge of enthusiasm that I doubt will ever come.
            Mum was a dressmaker, a seamstress, a tailor and garments whizzed off the machine at lightning speed. She tried, she really tried to teach me how to choose a pattern, the right material, (which we usually bought from Stockport indoor market); to cut, pin, tack and eventually sew seams, darts and hems. But I was a lost cause, the instructions incomprehensible and the machine uncontrollable, causing tears and frustration. Either the material would end up screwed up into a bundle and discarded to the back of a cupboard, or Mum's patience would expire and she would sit late into the night putting right the wonky stitches and turning my disappointing efforts into something beautiful and wearable. Recent unfinished projects have included some decoupage, memory box frames, the family tree, cushion covers, curtains and a button picture.
          I never quite managed to finish primary school either. My brother was born at the end of the summer term in my last year at Poynton County Primary School. In those days, a new mother, especially one as old as my Mum, (she was forty two ) had to stay in hospital for two weeks to recover and there was no such thing as Maternity/Paternity leave, so, as Dad couldn't have time off work, I had to stay at home with Mum and the new baby once she came out of hospital, and thus I missed the last two weeks of school. I don't think I was particularly bothered then, but I can see that it set a pattern that still continues to this day.

Of course I have finished things and I have seen things through to the end; things like degrees, qualifications, assignments and I have been part of many endings; two marriages, the deaths of my parents, moving houses and, of course, the untimely ending of my son's life. However, because I'm not a finisher, I also won't let go of people that I love or with whom I have a relationship. I still have friends from primary school, high school, college, university and my adult life. I have been best friends with Mar Mar (the boys' nick name for her) for 41 years and intend to grow very old with her friendship in my life.

        For me, relationships do not end, but travel in circles or ellipses, as we orbit around each other, the spaces between us moving closer and away again, sometimes following their own pathway and occasionally, deliciously coming together in a perfectly synchronised dance. With the boys' father, the circles have, at times, been distant and fraught, but we are still in touch, still almost friends, in a relationship that continues and is mostly positive.
 Because of this inbuilt determination and a deep fear of endings, I vowed that when Mark died, I would somehow find a way to hold on to the relationship I had with him. We were close, Mark and I, two halves of a whole, a male and female version of  an entire entity. We complimented and clashed in equal measure, each hurt by the same things, each passionate about education, the social systems, injustice and religion, even if we came at things from totally opposing views, arguing both fairly and unfairly until we either agreed to disagree, or one of us backed down, laughed, or, in my case, cried. We were totally in tune; he was my harmony, I, his accompaniment. I knew from the first word he said on the phone how he was feeling, knew immediately when something was wrong or when he was desperate to talk. I ached for him when his relationships failed and his hurt over his Dad pained me too. I so miss that physical relationship, the hugs, the punches on the arm, the squeezes from behind, his head on my shoulder, and his hand in mine just before he tried to crush my fingers. I miss the himness of him!

  Since his death, every day has been about surviving the catastrophic loss of him and about learning to live around the hole he left behind. I have no closure. I don't want closure. I never want to not miss him, never want to not hurt with the pain of losing him. I can't imagine his birthday or anniversary passing by without tears or a desperate longing for him to be here with us. Every holiday, every bit of family news, every wedding, Christening, new baby or death will happen without him and that is so unfair. He is and will continue to miss out on so much. And so I have to find ways of not leaving him behind in 2011, but to bring him with us into the now and the future. My relationship with my son didn't end with his death at that junction in Taipei. How could it? It continues through my relationships with his friends, his father and brother, the music he loved, the places he visited, the photographs and the scenes that play in a continuous loop in my head. His tree at the National Memorial Arboretum thrives and grows straight and true, a living memorial to my son; the baby son of one of his friends, who carries his name and will be told the silly Mark stories when he is old enough; the girlfriends, who are still in touch and who are who they are because they, for a little while, had my son in their lives. We walked the Thames Path, the whole 186 miles of it, in memory of Mark. ( Oh, and, although we finished the walk, I never completed the blog-typical!). I keep in touch with the principal of the Catholic orphanage Mark was involved with in Taiwan and this year Matt and I are running the London Marathon. We are raising money for Children with Cancer UK, as I have a child battling cancer in my school, but  we are also doing it for Mark, to run with his energy, his passion and his spirit and to hear him say,'Well done, Mum, Matt, I knew you could do it', as we cross the finishing line.

No, I am not a finisher and I'm grateful for that in my relationships, but this blog and the marathon, I am determined to complete before I begin the next thing, which is a little idea already germinating in my head of writing four short stories, one based on each decade of Mark's life; fiction perhaps, but Mark, Matt and I will identify with the characters and events and know that the woven threads are really Mark's story; a story that can never be finished while there is someone who says his name, reads this blog or the stories, smiles at a Mark memory, does an act of kindness in his name, or whilst his tree continues to grow, his brother skis and composes music in his name and whilst I continue to breathe and carry him with me in my head and heart.

Twelve months ago, after the most awful of Christmases, I decided to grab the 21st of each month and do something positive with it, before it threatened to swallow me up in the trauma and misery of its significance. We have done some amazing things this year and writing about them has allowed me to explore the memories, to trace the details and share my boy with you so that you too have had a relationship with Mark through my woven words. And so he lives on, this amazing boy who shaped and changed all he met and will, I believe, continue to do so. I have now finished all twelve blogs, have a new project in my head, but an ending? No way.............. it is most definitely NOT finished.

The 'C' word in November

I suppose the combination of the three 'C' words, Christmas, chocolate and children will inevitably result in excitement, energy and, finally, exhaustion, but we did it anyway, by agreeing to take two high octane little boys to Cadbury World for the day so that their lovely mummy could spend some much needed time with friends she hadn't seen for ages.

I don't know if I am good with children or not. I don't think a career in teaching naturally makes one a yummy mummy, all efficient and organised, but with still enough time to make home made play dough, braid exquisite plaits, search for fairies in the garden and still keep friends, look beautiful and remain calm, as the kitchen explodes in a cloud of flour and glitter. But I do love the chatter and company of children, their curiosity, their butterfly minds, their ability to switch from being egocentric whirligigs to smothering one with 'I love yous' and endless, sticky kisses. I adored the boys when they were babies; the time ticking by, as we spent hours getting to know each other through baby talk, nursery rhymes, peek-a-boo games, battles over any food that wasn't pink and sweet, stories and giggly tickles. Pure determination and stubbornness drove me to breast feed them both for over twelve months. Selfishness on my part meant that for six, five, four, two times a day, I got to do the most beautiful thing for my babies; our time to fall in love all over again, to shut out the world and build the bonds that hold them both to me now, and me to them. Soft, warm and increasingly heavy, their little bodies reconnected with mine and I loved that special time together.

It was the same determination, and stubbornness that enabled me to play their nonsense games, do the Thomas jigsaw for the hundredth time, not to hoover up every single piece of Lego from the lounge carpet and to find the lost cuddly they couldn't go to bed without, searching the house and garden until it was found. The same love and devotion that opened up the world for them, shared their wide-eyed awe at the ladybird on the leaf and dried their tears when they had fallen off their roller skates, had bitten their own tongues, or when their world had imploded and their frail shoulders shook with sobs for hours.
Loving your own children does come naturally, whether it is immediately or builds over time. However, it sometimes takes a little longer and a little bit more effort to love a baby or child, who is only tentatively connected, or maybe not at all. And sometimes it isn't easy.
Over the years, I have started that journey with a stranger-child, many a time; put in the time, the love and the effort, tried to allow the connections to build and never really succeeded for one reason or another. I child-minded for a while when Mark was little. It allowed me to stay at home with him, earn a little bit of money and contribute to holidays in France each sunny Summer. K was a sweet little thing and I did grow to be fond of her, but I needed to return to teaching and the relationship with K and her parents, sadly ended. My relationship with nephews and nieces ended when my marriage broke down and only the beautiful daughter of my ex-brother-in-law still calls me 'Auntie Viv'. Thank you, Emily.
The closest I ever came to having  a little person directly related to me was the joyous news that my brother's girlfriend was pregnant. I was to be an aunt, a real life aunt to a precious little girl. I would love her, spoil her, introduce her to books and the ballet. I was to be the crazy unconventional relative, slightly zany, but always available and fun. Sadly, it was not meant to be. Faith was stillborn at 37 weeks, and all we have is a memory box of pretty pink baby things and a few indescribably sad photographs of my tiny, fragile and very beautiful niece.
I do have four step-grandchildren, on whom you would think I would be able to lavish the time and the love and the relationship I long to have. However, they have proved over the years to be far too precious to be exposed to any deep and meaningful relationship with me. Because David is distant and slightly estranged from his sons, especially since Mark died, ( apparently, we make them sad and we are slightly too obsessed with including Mark in our conversations-oh dear!), we have an awkward relationship with the children. I do love them, enjoy them when we see them, and I am interested in their doings and achievements, but, oh, I wanted to be so, so much more.
Which brings me to the little people I do have in my life, not of the blood relation type, but who have brought joy, laughter and hope with each chattering tale, each 'light up the room' smile, each chubby hand in mine and each full tilt thump of a humungous hug. Two are the exquisite beauties belonging to Edwin and Tomoko, who gently dismantle our home, explore each drawer with delicate fingers, sing us songs and count in English and Japanese and who demonstrate such manners and innocence. We are totally mesmerised and enchanted by them. Edwin came to Mark's funeral in Taipei, cried like a baby at the loss of his dear friend, tells genuine stories of Mark with such warmth and love and treats us as part of his extended family. It is a privilege to know him, his beautiful wife and his sweet little daughters.
And B and her two boys. We are watching them grow, are being included and involved and my love for these two captivating little monkeys is growing and deepening. Again, they have become part of our lives because of Mark, because of his friendships, his loyalty and love. His legacy to us and my incredible gain.

Cadbury World on a Saturday at any time of year is probably not a great idea, but four weeks before Christmas makes it a fairly incomprehensible one. We met in John Lewis, had a white knuckle ride coffee, which included O, aged six, moving his chair to go and sit at another table, innocently occupied by a middle-aged couple; a 'nerf' rocket launcher, which 'accidently' kept being fired at unsuspecting shoppers minding their own business until hit in the arm, leg, head or coffee to the sound of boyish giggling; F secretly delighting in his brother being told off and then doing exactly the same thing, but with a 'who could resist me' smile. However, they were as good as gold on the packed train, held our hands tightly and chattered happily until we arrived at the place that promised so much. A non-descript lunch later and we headed for the 4D cinema to ride in space, whoosh and shoosh from chocolate lakes and mountain tops to impossible chocolate buildings fighting fire and flood; our seats, shuddering and tilting towards, left and right; stars, sweets and characters spinning and spiralling towards us. I think the boys enjoyed it almost as much as I did!
The tour itself, once we finally reached the front of the queue, was very well done, with enough to keep all our senses on high alert. The boys loved the interactive wheels, pulleys, levers and buttons and dials and were slightly less impressed with the projections of Mr Cadbury and Sons, speaking from the walls in old fashioned language. Moving swiftly on, we entered the packing area. How can watching boxes of chocolate twist, turn and roll their way along the conveyor belt provoke excitement beyond measure? But it did. Both boys exhibited interest, patience and awe-inspired concentration, as they watched box after box trundle its way to the outside world. We peered through stark windows at nameless, be-capped workers piping intricate patterns, messages and fancy Christmas baubles onto smooth, seductive blocks of chocolate. Mesmerising. I lost interest before the boys did, I can assure you, and, eventually, we were enticed on to a ride, which carried us through different parts of the world, from jungles to polar ice caps, a nearly as good, but not quite version of Disney's 'It's a Small, Small World.'

The ride poured us out into the gift shop where the purple world of Cadbury hypnotised the stupefied and, not to say, exhausted adults into giving in to the 'I want' pleas of off-spring. Just looking at the length of the queue snaking up and down the shop floor was enough for us to suggest a drink instead and we made our way back to the café area. Drinks bought, we had just sat down when the fire alarm went off. We gathered up two tired little boys, bags, coats, hats and gloves and headed outside into the dark and the rain. We were being herded efficiently to the courtyard, but instead we turned left to walk back to the station, leaving the chocolate world to its fate and trying to explain to little people that it was probably someone being very silly and pressing the wrong button, rather than the possible opposite reality of a melted world, where chocolate was no more.
Did we enjoy our day? You bet we did! Seeing the world through the eyes of a child again, feeling that squidgy hand in mine, wiping chocolate off everything and asking for the tenth time if they needed a wee before we joined the next queue, employing the never forgotten range of necessary distractions and answering endless questions are what I was meant to do, and thanks to Mark, to B and her amazing boys, that elusive role seemed just a little bit nearer.

Musical notes in October.

I am not a musician, not in the broadest, or slightest sense of the word. 'We Three Kings' played hestitantly with one finger on the piano and a few fumbled tunes on the recorder are about as musical as I can boast. I failed miserably the audition to join the school choir in Y7 and have hidden my screechy off- key voice from the public ever since. My lovely Liverpudlian gran, however, could belt out a tune-Roll out the Barrel, Any Old Iron, My Old Man Said Follow the Van, Silent Night, Little Donkey and Abide with Me-on her old piano that stood proudly in the corner of her cramped and cosy sitting room, where I spent many hours of my childhood; no music sheets, just ancient work-worn fingers that flew over the yellowing keys. My Auntie Edith even cut a record when she was a young soprano in the late 40's, singing 'Ave Maria' on an old 78 rpm, which we played incessently on an old gramaphone player, long since sold and forgotten about.

And yet, I grew up with music all around me; carols round the piano with family friends on Christmas Eve; Glen Miller, Bing Crosby, Alma Cogan, Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. Music filled the house and the radiogram took pride of place, polished and revered in the family dining room. At the age of eleven, I bought my first single record for six shillings and eleven pennies; Little White Bull by Tommy Steel and I can still sing, well warble, unmusically, every sentimental word. Once I had a huge Phillips reel to reel tape recorder for my fifteenth birthday, I spent hours of time, when I should have been revising for 'O' levels, listening to endless tracks of the Beatles, Amen Corner, Small Faces, Billy J Kramer and the Monkeys- my heart still does a little flutter when I hear Davy Jones singing, 'I'm a Believer.......I couldn't leave her, if I tried'........aaaah, sigh, swoon!

I even dipped my adolescent pink-painted toes into the classical world, attending the local boys' school at lunchtimes to listen to an emergent ensemble. I'm not convinced it was just the music that tempted me to join this musical appreciation group, or whether the opportunity to see my heart-throb of the moment, Stephen Worthington that maybe had something to do with it. Whatever happened to Stephen Worthington, I wonder......?
My relationship with music continued into university with a trip to listen to the Halle Orchestra at the Library Theatre, Manchester, Friday night discos, an encounter with the Moody Blues and the ability to sing, badly, the entire score of 'Jesus Christ Superstar', much to the annoyance of my long-suffering room mate. It was during those years that I met the boys' father, Paul, who, co-incidentally, majored in music and drama. I think I lost my heart completely when he sang the opening verse of 'Once in Royal David's City, at the annual Christmas Ball. I can hear it still, and the same shiver runs down my spine.
Music, theatre, plays and concerts were a huge part of our early courtship and marriage. Paul taught a 'Music Appreciation' class at the local technical college and we spent the money he earned on wonderful evenings, lost in stage sets, beautiful ballets, full orchestra concerts, and string quartets. The irony was that Paul couldn't play an instrument for toffee; his mellow baritone voice was his instrument, and we were both determined that any children we might have would learn to play something, anything.
When Mark was six, we bought a pre-loved, seen-better-days intrument from The Piano Workshop at Newborough and found a piano teacher in Lichfield. Mark hated it, loathed it with all of his being, but he went, bribed with beans on toast at the Tudor Cafe before his lesson. He also practised every day, sitting ramrod straight on the wobbly piano stool, his long, slim fingers dancing out melodies with increasing confidence and competance.We had hoped that he would grow to love the intrument, want to play for pleasure and would delight others with his skills, just like his great- gran, but, alas, no way. He hated it with the same passion on the day he gave up, at the end of grade 5, as he had when he started. Oh, Mark, you were so good too!
Matt, of course, was different kettle of fish, his genes inherited from his father, and the love of music an intrinsic part of who he was. He loved the piano, playing by perfect pitch and pretending to read the music, fooling us completely! He learned flute, piano and violin and was equally good on all three. Even now he spends hours composing, remixing and over-laying piece after piece, but this time using a computer, a keyboard linked up, Dr Dre headphones and software too complicated to explain, mostly because I don't understand any of it! But it is good, very good and I listen to what he posts on Sound Cloud and shares on his Facebook page with pride, amazement and a wry smile.
It was Matt's suggestion that we went to a concert at the Symphony Hall in Birmingham for October's 21st of the month event. The theme was 'StarWars' and nothing could be more appropriate. Star Wars had featured in our lives almost as much as music, Matchbox cars and Lego, well, no-where near as much as Lego, to be honest, but up there, very much up there. We were the proud possessors of a Millenium Falcon, Starfighters, an X-Wing and figures by the hundreds; Storm Troopers, cp3o, Boba Fett, Princess Leia, Hans Solo, Luke Skywalker, Jabba the Hutt and a multitude of Ewoks. Oh and several-sized versions of Darth Vader and an impressive light sabre, or three! How I wish we had kept them, boxed them up and not sold them at a car-boot sale for peanuts. How foolish and naive we were!

As the auditorium filled, there was an air of anticipation and a rippling murmur of excitement; people took their seats, (some actually dressed in splendid Star Wars costumes), sending messages and photos to friends on Facebook, updating their status until the lights dimmed and the commanding conductor strode purposefully across the stage to warm applause. We settled back, and let the opening theme tune transport us to a distant galaxy, far, far away. Good music, when really listened too, without distractions, courses through one's senses, and, like a heartbeat, pulsates the notes, the cadenses, the consonances on their primative, fervant journey to the deepest soul.
The first violinist was an absolute delight to watch as she and bow became as one; the bow strokes, one second soaring, the other dipping deep down to the floor, producing the purest of sounds; her movements hypnotising in their lightness and precision. Other instruments; French Horns, sombre double bases, jaunty trumpets, drums and a haunting harp, and their respective owners, spoke their own individual language, as John Williams' music described, in magnificent detail, the intergalctic battle between good and evil, from 'The Imperial March to Leia's Theme, the jazzed up 'Cantana Band', 'The Forest Battle and the brilliant 'Battle of the Heroes'.

All overlain with a hazy mirage of a little boy practising his scales at a battered old piano, an X-Wing being flown through the air on its way to do battle, and an army of Storm Troopers marching from the doorway of the Millenium Falcon. My boy was his own Luke Skywalker, a force for good, his own maker of beautiful theme music in his own amazing story. And in a distant galaxy far, far away, his story plays on, just out of sight, just out of hearing, but always in tune with the rhythmic beating of my own heart. May the force be with you, Mark!

Sad September Smiles

A sense of humour seems to be a desirable, or even essential quality in job descriptions these days. And, yet, if the media is to be believed, or, if public transport is a microcosm of today's society, then it is sadly missing in the daily grind of work, shopping, parenting, caring, travelling and survival. The luxury of laughter, the time to smile, share jokes, tease and enjoy the company of others, seems to be relegated to evenings in the pub, conversation over dinner, convivial parties or comedic programmes on the TV, or a humorous play or show at the theatre.
But it is true that friends, family members and colleagues, who do possess the ability to find life itself amusing, who have smiles to spare and are happy to share them with others, shine like colourful jewels when the world seems grey and has lost its sparkle. They are able to draw others to them, to warm the soul, relieve the tedium and lighten the atmosphere of the dreary, daily drudge. Rainbow coloured radiators, emanating prisms of pure joy.
My lovely Mum came from Liverpool, a city renowned for its unique sense of humour. Life wasn't always easy for her. She went into service at twelve, a servant girl in the 'big house' in Sefton. She survived an abusive father, abject poverty, the bombings of the Second World War, the pressure of 'piece work' at Raelbrook, sewing ninety two dozen collars daily to earn next to nothing in a brown wage packet on a Friday; she married my Dad, a difficult man at times, and had my brother and myself, which must have been far from easy! She survived a catastrophic stroke, the death of her husband and her beloved grandson and, yet, through it all, she retained the twinkle in those Irish blue eyes and a dry wit, the caustic one liner and everything said through the sweetest smile. She was definitely a treasure, a precious jewel.
Did I inherit that sense of humour? Well, maybe, a paler version that is there under the surface, a rare visitor, but always a surprising and welcome one. Never a stand up comedian; I couldn't tell a joke to save my life, but I can see the funny side of things, and rest upon the pun, sarcasm and the occasional double entendre. I loved the witty banter that existed between the boys and myself; the ability to play around with words at length, using Monty Pythonesque voices. I remember amusing ourselves for a good hour on a journey from Rouen to Calais on the subject of wattle and daub! Incomprehensible to anyone not in the car at the time. Almost as hysterically funny as the toilet humour of the Whoopie Cushion!
Mark was certainly funny, not in a slap stick sort of way, although that too was known, after a few drinks, but in a clever, 'Who's Line is it anyway' or 'Not the Nine o' Clock News' sort of way. He enjoyed comedy nights in London and was involved in some stand up sessions in Taipei too. He was also a tease, loved practical jokes, cheated at board games and enjoyed the punch on the arm, and playing tap tap in the back of the car, which he found hilarious, and basically 'having a laugh', sometimes, usually, at the expense of others.
So when an email came, back in July, advertising Michael McIntyre, we booked three tickets and thought it would be a good idea for September. It was! A dash into Birmingham, a frantic search for somewhere to eat, and no, we hadn't thought to book, even though the rugby and the comedian were competing for audiences the same weekend. My guess is that some folk managed both. Either way, Brindley Place was heaving with anticipation, excitement and conviviality, and maître d's shook their heads, no doubt bemused as to why we could have possibly thought they would have a spare table. Fortunately, a pretty manager in Strada offered to serve us our meal at the bar, instead of waiting for a table and we accepted, relieved and grateful. A short stroll to the newly named Barclaycard Arena, drinks in hand, we took our seats for what we hoped would be an entertaining evening.
We were not disappointed, not at all. Mr Mc Intyre kept the vignettes coming, from Calpol to supermarket trolleys, to Facetime and living in the countryside. Simple observations of the ordinary, giving life meaning and hilarity through quick wit, precise timing and that wonderful gift of a sense of humour. It was a fabulous evening that lifted the spirits and certainly 'turned the frown upside down' of three tired folk. Mark would have loved it.
But humour is not always thought through, carefully constructed and expertly delivered. Sometimes little children and their perceptions of reality and fantasy are equally amusing, as we were to experience the following day during a precious visit to one of Mark's friends. B was one of the first people to contact me after Mark died. I didn't know her; she was just a name, sending sympathetic words and offering support. At the time, I was too numb to really register anyone's details and specifics, but despite my few perfunctory and sometimes sparse replies, B continued to message and, over time, she chatted about her little boy O, her life abroad and telling stories of Mark when he was in Taipei. She drew me in and I started to look forward to daily contact, usually late at night. I rejoiced in the birth of her second son F, and secretly delighted in the tales of her two little boys, as she listened patiently to stories of mine.
Inevitably, as our friendship grew, we made arrangements to meet up; her, when she was in the country to visit her Mum, and us making the short journey to Spain for a few days break. Face to face contact gave us the chance to get to know each other, share the joys and delights of her little family and be part of something I thought I'd lost when Mark was killed; the chance to be a surrogate grandma, to have little people around me and to be able to love them unconditionally.
These meetups have become very important to both of us; a visit to Father Christmas at Trentham Gardens; a music festival in sunny Spain;  Lego World in Manchester, New Year's Day in Lancashire and a coastal walk in Catalonia. F's fourth birthday gave us the perfect excuse a couple of weeks ago.
We arrived at her Mum's in glorious sunshine and just at the end of a typically, raucous, emotional party, complete with uncontrollable balloons, crumpled cake, nearly perfect presents, mountains of paper, colourful cards and spectacular meltdowns. Within moments, we were treated to a random Ninja show, a naked O wrapped in a towel, (don't ask.....I'm not quite sure of the answer.), an out and out refusal to say 'thank you for coming' to two bemused, and probably traumatised little girls, a crisis over the smell of gravy, 'This isn't REAL gravy. Ohhhhh!' and an instant silence, as peace was restored, once the Wii was produced. Magic!
After an adult, civilised lunch, in order to burn off some residue energy, (the boys, not mine), we drove in convoy to a children's farm, complete with perfect, pink pigs, adorable, if hungry, calves, squeaky guinea pigs, a couple of croaky cockerels and an amazing, death defying jungle gym, designed to keep two excited little boys, and Matthew too, of course, who entered the ropes and rollers, slides and swings on the pretext of being on hand just in case, if you know what I mean, fully occupied while we drank tea and chatted about blogging, Twitter, school, life and love.
Our perfect afternoon ended with an urgent dash to watch the cows being milked, no doubt standing there attached to pulsating machines and wondering why their little ones were being fed by inquisitive infants, when they had nourishing milk to spare. But that's a reality that doesn't need to intrude into the magical, delightful, slightly manic world of two little boys, whom I have grown to love and their amazing Mum, who loved Mark, and who feels like a very special gift from him to us. This time no sarcasm, no witty banter, tricks, teasing or clever puns, just someone, who has the ability to make us smile from the inside. And for that I am incredibly thankful.

On our knees in August

I am not ashamed to say that I have never worked in August, not one day of it, ever. And I probably never will. August is holiday time for me and this year we have had seven long and glorious weeks off school. I am never short of things to fill up the time, from catching up with friends I haven't seen for a while, decluttering every room, enjoying the garden, exploring new places for coffee, filing hundreds of letters into their correct place and actually going on holiday. This year I have thrown in new glasses, acupuncture sessions, long, almost daily walks, some decorating and a couple of tentative visits into school to collect the debris from the end of term, delete hundreds of emails and make a long, fluid list of things to do next term.

We also finally updated our wills, something we had been meaning to do for a couple of years. We had obviously made provision for all our boys, but Mark's death changed that. I still find it incredibly hard to tell someone I have never met before. Each word in the sentence, 'Mark died. He was killed by a taxi in Taiwan four years ago,' is a thud to my stomach, making the tears form, my voice choke and the listener reach for the tissues. The meeting with the solicitor was no exception, but it was the sight of Mark's signature on one of the pieces of paper that brought me to my knees. He was here, he lived, he was and the proof was there on that document, no longer valid, but evidence of my crazy boy, for once being serious in his signature. It took me a while to recompose myself so that we could draw up the new will, this time not including my firstborn child. Another cruel reality we have to deal with as bereaved parents.
We did actually go away too. The first was a weekend in Yorkshire, based in Skipton. We walked, climbed, tripped and wandered across God's country, enjoying the scenery and the company. A refreshing short break. Our week in Majorca was a complete contrast. The warmth of the sun, the sophistication of the hotel, the velvety coolness of the pool, the cheeky morning cocktails and delicious Mediterranean food in the evening, relaxed and refreshed the three of us. I read three books that week, all involving the death of a child in one way or another and I strangely found that comforting too. Others have gone through this, either in real time or in fiction and most find a way to survive, some changing direction, some changing a partner or job, some forgiving, some requiring care for all sorts of illnesses and conditions, and all of them struggling with a loss so catastophic that the fall out contaminates anything that was once normal. I find safety in such writing, a sense of seeing 'me' in the characters, the situations, the relationships. It's not my story, but it is a shadow of it and it helps me feel not quite so alone.

Tanned and calmer, we arrived home to more of what we'd been doing before we went away, enjoying small achievements and progress with the house and garden. And, because we had been away, Matt suggested that we went to Coventry for our 21st 'thing'. It was hardly exciting or thrilling, but we went anyway. After a little bit of confusion and conflict with the SATNAV, we managed to park by the Cathedral and headed there. When Matt was in Year 8, the RE project was 'Churches'. We drew them, photographed them inside and out, labelled bits of them, designed new windows for them, wandered round them and got bored with them. But he also visited Coventry Cathedral, both with us and with the school. He got an 'A' for that project and I have it somewhere in the detritus of keepsakes. And now we were back, not because it held any connection to Mark but because Matt suggested it and, in the absence of a better idea, we agreed.

One cannot fail to be stunned by the majesty, beauty and sincerity of the new Cathedral, as it takes its place adjunct to the battered, broken and splintered remains of the original Anglican Gothic building.
We entered the vast space and looked up, as everyone must do, to the vaulted ceiling, but then our eyes were drawn to the elongated windows of light, their hues casting rainbow prisms on the stone floor. Huge tablets of stone hung from the angled brick walls, inscribed with the 'I am' statements Jesus made about himself. There is supreme strength in these statements, a desire to collapse against them and let them hold us in our human weakness

 We wandered, we whispered and we walked softly to the Lady Chapel to light a candle for Mark and for the children of other bereaved parents; people I wish I had never had cause to meet, children I should never have got to know through their parents, but without whom I would not survive. They know, understand and care and, more importantly, they talk about my boy, say his name and remember significant dates. Lighting a candle says I am thinking about you, praying for you and keep you alive in my heart and I always will. I haven't forgotten you, Mark, as if I ever would or could, my precious boy.
The tag line of the new cathedral is 'Reconciliation'. It is meant to offer hope and forgiveness for the bombing raid on Coventry in 1945 that destroyed the Cathedral and much of the city. There are pottery candle sticks made by German Jews, beautiful testimonies by visiting German school children, and a brutal cross made from two burned splinters of wood. There was also a haunting metal head of Christ. It was made from the wreckage of a motor vehicle.

Someone had died in that crash and yet, out of that tragedy, the strength and compassion of a risen Christ offered peace and hope. I don't know if the sculptor had lost a loved one but she certainly poured love and emotion into her work and it helped me at least. Our exit route was filled with Peace Cranes in every colour of the rainbow. Again, out of the failings and cruelty of man against man, soldier against civilian, and bomb against childhood innocence, arose a thing of beauty, a symbol of hope, resilience and, yes, reconciliation.

 Knowing that Mark had died a tragic death alone in a foreign city haunts me and, if I let it, the loop of imagined visuals would drive me into insanity. The speeding car, my boy trusting the pedestrian crossing, the murderous impact, my boy being thrown into the cold night air and the cold-blooded thud of his broken body hitting the taxi windscreen before slamming into the road, are too horrific to allow them head space. But, I promised myself that some good would come out of this; his life would not be wasted in anger and recriminations. We would honour his memory, his joy of living, his sense of adventure and his faith. It has not be easy in any sense, but, we have built lasting relationships with Mark's friends; some have become family and I love them to bits; we walked the Thames Path; I am running the London Marathon next year; Matt and I have become incredibly close, I am enjoying blogging; I have found some amazing bereaved friends through Compassionate Friends and I believe I am now a kinder, more compassionate and gentler person, who has a deeper empathy and understanding of death, loss, madness, and family and love. Like the old cathedral, my 'before' life lies in ruins, but, this new life is beginning to regain some colour, some hope and sometimes it is OK.

A Turn-a-Round in July

Sometimes it is just too painful to go back to a place that holds your life and your story in its busy streets, solid buildings and faraway fields; in its flower bordered lanes, narrow alleyways, ancient church and bustling shops. But this month Matt and I did go back to a pretty village just off the A38, where my adult years and his actual life began- Barton-under-Needwood, Staffordshire.
Paul and I fell in love with the village when we used to drive through it to visit friends, who lived in Yoxall, and, although we had just bought our very first house in Stapenhill, we longed to live and bring our future children up in the peace and the friendliness of this pretty village. Our opportunity came when Stan Clarke began building new properties in Barton and we decided to push ourselves financially and buy the sweetest little semi-detached on what we perceived to be a 'posh' estate- Plot 161. I was pregnant with Mark and quickly began feathering our lovely nest in browns, shag piles, William Morris prints and Denby pottery; the tiny nursery the palest of primrose with shakily sewn yellow gingham curtains, sewn with much love and not a lot of expertise, I'm afraid.

By the time Matt arrived five years after Mark, we had moved into a detached house in a nearby cul de sac, this time decorated in cool blues, Laura Ashley prints and impractical cream carpets. The nursery, too, was blue; Habitat clouds and rainbows this time, as a scan of my 'small for dates' baby had revealed that I was carrying my second son. I loved that house. My big boy and my tiny baby completing our family and filling the house with Star Wars, Lego, Brio train sets, a piano, toy cars by the score and books by their thousand. Good, good times.
I will never be sure whether we reached too far or tried too hard to make the move to the large four bedroom detached just next door. Paul and I were working full time, Mark was at John Taylor, playing rugby, doing really well academically and sports wise, Matt was adorable, quiet, sensitive and incredibly popular. We bought a second car, as money didn't seem so tight, and then....it all went wrong.....terribly wrong and there seemed to be, sadly, no way of scrambling our way back.
I left Barton-under-Needwood to marry David in 2001 but, if I could turn back time, it would be to go back to that second little house, when the present was happy and the future had hope and life had a sense of certainty for a while.

And so, on the Saturday nearest to the 21st July, Matt and I parked at Baron Marina, enjoyed a perfect coffee in the Apple Tree Coffee Shop and set off across the once abandoned grey gravel pits, now a glassy, reed trimmed lake, reflecting noisy ducks on an excursion to look for food. The path led us along the edge of Barton Sports Club where youngsters dodged and wove through their weekly rugby skills. A man, with a familiar walk, shouted encouragement to the boys and was instantly recognised as Matt's uncle, still part of our family, our lives and our story. He was busy so we didn't distract him, but continued our walk. We reached Thomas Russell Junior School and peered through the 'closed for summer' gates. Nothing had changed really. We both remembered sports days, trouble trying to park and summer weekend afternoons in the outdoor pool. As a member of the teaching staff, Paul had a key and we splashed about, shrieking at the cold and then jumping in all over again. We passed the pond where Matt had gone fishing with another of his uncles and where an impulsive Pole had once asked me to marry him. I had said 'yes', but that's another story!

Short Lane made us giggle. It always did because it is anything but.........Paul and I started running down Short Lane in an attempt to get fit, and, in the beginning, we really struggled to run back up more than ten out of breath yards. Where the old Victorian Cottage Hospital and the doctor's surgery used to be, there is now a monstrous, modern building monopolising the lane and the fields behind. It is hideous and almost obliterates the memories of taking Mark to the cottage hospital with a variety of emergencies from dents in his skull where he fell backwards as a baby onto an upturned plug, ( I know.....I know!) to being covered in nettle stings when he fell off his bike into the stream, the trapped finger in the door and a burst lip when he went over the handle bars of his sit and ride truck. I don't remember ever taking Matt there ever. Says it all really.......
Up the alleyway we went (commonly known as dog shit alley) until we arrived on the estate, found each of our three houses, and marvelled at how little had changed over the years.

Matt fondly remembered the tree he used to climb, was pleased that the basketball net his dad put up still graced the wall, and me, well a speeded up cine film flickered the images and memories before me. I sighed, and turned away to find the bungalow Mark rented down the road. How I wished he were still there and we could have called in for a drink and to cut the lawns and tidy up. Maybe, if he had been happier there, he wouldn't have gone back to Taiwan and none of this would have happened.....maybe.

The picturesque Main Street has changed little, with elegant Georgian houses rubbing shoulders with Victorian cottages with their colourful window boxes and Farrow and Ball front doors. We wandered without words towards Dunstall fields and memories of cubs and scouts cross country runs, my Mum and Dad cheering the boys on, sledging down the slopes on slushy snow, tripping over the fields with friends and borrowed dogs, frightening pheasants and aaaahing over newborn lambs. Matt told stories of bunking off school with Mark and heading off across the fields for the afternoon until it was the normal time to nonchalantly stroll in the back door, plonking bags in the doorway, kicking off scuffed shoes and searching for Jammie Dodgers.

Past John Taylor High School, where the boys were pupils, and I taught English on a temporary contract once upon a time. The boys' aunt and uncle also went to the school and it has played a huge part in our story over the years. We headed over the road to the church- St James, built with money left by John Taylor, a triplet, who lived in the village in the 1600s. We took a peek inside to the polished pews, the ancient font, the stained glass stories and the memorial stones seeping their history of Sunday services, marriages, Christenings and solemn funerals, including our boys' Christenings and both of their grandparents' funerals.

We wandered thoughtfully into the church yard. I have always found church yards strangely fascinating, calming and incomprehensibly reassuring. They have a peace of their own and the sad and worthy inscriptions speak of love, loss, respect and honour across the generations. We spent a few quiet moments with Matt's grandparents, sharing stories and making each other smile. Two wonderful people, who brought their Yorkshire bluntness and friendliness to our lives and are very much missed.

We also found the headstone of a former pupil killed on the A38 after a night out in Derby. So sad. I wonder if his mum misses him like I miss Mark. I suspect so, and no doubt her heart breaks on each birthday and anniversary too. And every ordinary day too I suspect.
We retraced our steps back to the car and drove the short distance to the National Memorial Arboretum at Alrewas. I never in a million years thought that somewhere in those vast, carefully designed acres, visited by millions, including Royals and dignitaries, soldiers and airmen, veterans and cadets, there would be a tree and a plaque with my boy's name on it. But there is.....
Mark's funeral was in John Bosco Catholic Church in Taipei. That day it was filled with his friends, his colleagues, football friends and the Chief of the Traffic Department. Oh, and David, Matt, Heather and her family and me, his numb, disbelieving mum. The service was just wonderful and everything a Catholic Mass should be and, for once, my boy was silent and still..........It is Taiwanese tradition that the bereaved are given money in red envelopes and we too were given this token of respect for the departed and the grieving. I'm not sure why, or where, the idea came from but, on the journey home, with Mark's ashes barely cold and cradled on my knee, I knew what I wanted to do with the money. I would put it towards a tree in the Road Peace section of the arboretum. We changed the NTD into sterling and made the arrangements. When the final bill for the tree and the plaque came in, it was the exact amount we had........to the penny. I think that somehow Mark and God approved!

So Matt and I made our way passed impressive monuments of every shape, size, design and inscription and found our silver birch growing straight and true and dancing elegantly in the summer breeze. Mark isn't there. I know that, but I do feel close to him in that place, where his spirit and essence are somehow embodied in the beautiful white bark, the branches reaching out to new horizons and the roots deep and firm......a bit like my wanderlust adventurer, always yearning for something new, but forever linked to us......his mum and his brother, his friends and family.

Stepping down and back in June

Gosh, these months come around quickly, catching us unawares and sometimes breathless. We knew ages ago what we wanted to do this month-June. We wanted to visit Warwick Castle. I'm not sure why, or where the idea came from, but there it was and we were all agreed. It just so happened it was also Father's Day, so two birds and all that; it seemed perfect.
Tickets bought-(how much!!?) and we were there, stepping back into history, into a story of battles, besieging, intrigue, terror and winning through adversity. It was also a story of a family home and generations of custodians of that story.
                 Our visit started with a timed entrance to the Dungeons.There was the intitial obligatory photograph of me being beheaded by David and Matt. Their expressions, as they held the hatchets high, betraying a sinister secret perhaps, and a darker side to their natures. Then we were plunged into darkness, barely able to make out the horror of ancient implements inflicting indescribable pain on their victims. As we felt and shuffled our way from chamber to chamber, from gruesome to obscene, from hilarity to terror, we slipped further and further away from the present, from normality into a base underworld of depravity. Screams echoed through the corridors and vile smells cloaked us in the gloom. Judges, executioners, aparitions, 'surgeons, embalmers and simple murderers barked their commands to 'move along there' until, finally, we fell into a well lit room where the hard sell encouraged us to purchase our execution photographs. No thank you. We bypassed the gift shop, shielded our eyes from the sun and escaped the horror, making our way to the coffee stand and on to the falconry arena.
               Matt is, and always has been, fascinated by birds of prey. Their power, beauty and majesty; their, ruthlessness and grace all combine to make, in his eyes, perfection. The eagles battled against the wrong sort of wind, their soaring compromised and their landings somewhat precarious; the African Vulture was comical in his tottering gait and near miss flying, causing the crowd to duck as he skimmed their ears and close shaved their heads. A well deserved clap sent the birds, one by one, back to their hides for a tasty day old chick, no doubt eaten with relish.
              The last time Matt and I had visited Warwick Castle was about twenty four or five years ago with a Sunday School group. Mark and the boys' dad were there too and we had a wonderful day, exploring the castle as only young boys can, firing pretend arrows, sword fighting until someone was poked in the eye, charging each other with shrill battle cries and tearing up spiral staircases, ignoring desperate pleas to, 'be careful!' and 'come down!'. Funny how one's memory selects random momnts and imprints them for ever. I remember the picnic by the river more than the visit to the castle, the game of rounders more than the walls of armour and the softness of what seemed like a perfect day more than the sharpness of the specific. Matt remembered that day too, although his memories are more of friends and Mark and, I guess, his Dad.
Matt's Dad has been out of his life far longer than he has been in it. He left when Matt was eight and Mark was thirteen, but in a 'standing from a distance sort of way', I guess we both miss him. That is, we miss the lego playing Dad, the Dad who built amazing sand cars, aeroplanes and animals, the one who could draw and paint and play music so well. He was an amazing Dad for thirteen years and then no Dad at all since. Few phone calls, no effort to see his boys, a couple of cards at Christmas and birthdays and a painful void in their lives where he should have been; a void that Mark filled with friends, and parties, adventures and sometimes more negative things to numb the pain of his absence.
And Matt fills with self doubt, a lack of confidence, a feeling of never being good enough and a desperate need to care for people, animals and the arts. And yet we still miss him.
We strolled the grounds of this ancient monument, enjoying the sunshine, watching families, big, small, new and older, partly with envy, partly with sadness but mostly with a sense of being part of something normal and continuous. Sitting in the sunshine, sipping tea and watching the 'show off' antics of the resident peacocks, our eyes were drawn to a young family also watching the birds and struggling with a wriggling toddler, who was hell bent on getting away and helping himself to a few turquoise tail feathers. They smiled at each other and shared the moment with their baby son. I so hope they realise how blessed they are. Both my boys would have/will made/make amazing fathers. Mark would have been terrified and delighted in equal measures. He would have flaunted the baby advice books, put the baby in a carrier and shown him the world. He would have thought nothing of camping with a newborn, trekking with a toddler or back-packing with a moody teenager. He would have cheered on touchlines, dumped dirty kit by the washing machine and raced ridiculously fast on old BMXs. He would have encouraged his child to love books, the written and spoken word; he would have relished the beginning of debate, the odd argument and he would have taught him that you can live on very little, that the most precious possessions are family and friends, that a friend's sofa for the night is luxury and that faith in our God is enough.
Matt, on the other hand, will be a much more cautious parent. He will worry over every sniffle, bump or graze. He will watch his baby sleeping several times a night, marvelling in the miracle of creation, his creation. There will be holidays in France camping, playing Round the World table tennis, canoeing expertly down sun drenched sleepy rivers, swinging courageously through the treetops, and enjoying crepes and un boule de glace before bedtime. There will be music of every genre constantly playing, music lessons and a shared love of films and comedy. He will take fatherhood seriously and will strive to be the fun, involved and playful Dad, like the one he had all those years ago. I just hope with all my heart he gets the chance.
David, of course, was with us this time. A different sort of father from the boys' Dad, a stricter, more rigid figure, dependable, safe, predictable, almost disapproving. A man brought up by a cold, disciplinarian, a unemotional being, who shaped David's view on how fathers should be and how they should behave. He brought his two boys up with rules they could never hope to keep and they have a sort of polite relationship now, which I don't understand. As a step father, David has tried to be supportive and involved in the boys' lives. He has painted walls of grim student flats various hideous colours, travelled up and down motorways with a car load of stuff, and put up with the chaotic debris of living with two boys who were very different from his own. Aftershave, socks and the occasional amount of money disappeared with regular annoyance and David silently put up with it all. And, because we know how hard it has been for him at times, there is a kindness and a benign tolerance for his incomprehensible and ridiculous ways now he is an old man and struggling to accept he is not as able as he was both mentally and physically.
And so Fathers' Day was spent with my son, thinking about Mark, Paul, the past and hopefully a brighter, sunnier future where Matt's little boy gets to chase peacocks, fire bows and arrows and watch birds of prey soaring high above him.
An almost perfect day....as ever, almost.